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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
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I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who despises having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
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Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.
Mallory Ortberg
Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
Mallory Ortberg
Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
Mallory Ortberg
Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
Mallory Ortberg
Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
Mallory Ortberg
We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
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I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
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I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
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It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
Mallory Ortberg
I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg