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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
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I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
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It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
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You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
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As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
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Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.
Mallory Ortberg
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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
Mallory Ortberg
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg