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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Worry
Incapable
Asks
Pregnant
Three
Occasions
Many
Separate
Workers
Forgetful
Memory
Cognition
Skills
Remembering
Months
Worker

More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
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You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
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I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
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Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Mallory Ortberg
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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
Mallory Ortberg
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If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg
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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
Mallory Ortberg
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg