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Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Diapers
Belong
Table
Tables
Food

More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
Mallory Ortberg
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg
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It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
Mallory Ortberg
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As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
Mallory Ortberg
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
Mallory Ortberg
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
Mallory Ortberg
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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
Mallory Ortberg
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I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who despises having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
Mallory Ortberg
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Mallory Ortberg
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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
Mallory Ortberg
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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
Mallory Ortberg
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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Mallory Ortberg
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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Mallory Ortberg