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Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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Tables
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Diapers

More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
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It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
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As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
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I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
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Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
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It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
Mallory Ortberg
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg