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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.
Mallory Ortberg
In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.
Mallory Ortberg
There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
Mallory Ortberg
Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.
Mallory Ortberg
Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Mallory Ortberg
Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg
Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Mallory Ortberg
You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
Mallory Ortberg
Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
Mallory Ortberg
Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg
One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
Mallory Ortberg
If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
Mallory Ortberg
If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
Mallory Ortberg
It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
Mallory Ortberg
I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who despises having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
Mallory Ortberg
Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
Mallory Ortberg
You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
Mallory Ortberg
Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
Mallory Ortberg