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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
Mallory Ortberg
Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.
Mallory Ortberg
You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Mallory Ortberg
Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
Mallory Ortberg
Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg
Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
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It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
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As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg
Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
Mallory Ortberg
I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.
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