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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Thing
Misfortunes
Girlfriend
Feigning
Drive
Achiever
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Friendliness
High
Sneer
Friends
Privately
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Bus

More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
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Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
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I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg
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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
Mallory Ortberg
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Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
Mallory Ortberg
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Mallory Ortberg
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
Mallory Ortberg
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
Mallory Ortberg