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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Missing
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Wonderful
Opportunity
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
Mallory Ortberg
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
Mallory Ortberg
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
Mallory Ortberg
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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
Mallory Ortberg
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
Mallory Ortberg
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
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o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.
Mallory Ortberg
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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
Mallory Ortberg
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
Mallory Ortberg
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
Mallory Ortberg
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Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.
Mallory Ortberg
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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg
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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
Mallory Ortberg
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Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
Mallory Ortberg
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Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg
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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
Mallory Ortberg
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You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
Mallory Ortberg
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Mallory Ortberg