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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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Something
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
Mallory Ortberg
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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
Mallory Ortberg
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I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
Mallory Ortberg
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Mallory Ortberg
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o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.
Mallory Ortberg
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Mallory Ortberg
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
Mallory Ortberg
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
Mallory Ortberg
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
Mallory Ortberg
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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
Mallory Ortberg
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
Mallory Ortberg
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Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
Mallory Ortberg
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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
Mallory Ortberg
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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
Mallory Ortberg
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
Mallory Ortberg
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
Mallory Ortberg
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
Mallory Ortberg