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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Feel
Stopped
Hives
Feels
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Annuals
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Annual
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Intentionally
Family
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If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, Please don't touch me should get them to stop.
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
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If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
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Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
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It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
Mallory Ortberg
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Mallory Ortberg
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
Mallory Ortberg
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Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
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It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
Mallory Ortberg