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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
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It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
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I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
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Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
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Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
Mallory Ortberg