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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
Mallory Ortberg
To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
Mallory Ortberg
There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
Mallory Ortberg
Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Mallory Ortberg
Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
Mallory Ortberg
You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
Mallory Ortberg
Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
Mallory Ortberg
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
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I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.
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If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, Please don't touch me should get them to stop.
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I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.
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You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
Mallory Ortberg
Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
Mallory Ortberg
It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
Mallory Ortberg
There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
Mallory Ortberg
If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
Mallory Ortberg