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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg
I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg
If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
Mallory Ortberg
The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
Mallory Ortberg
If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
Mallory Ortberg
Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg
It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
Mallory Ortberg
In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
Mallory Ortberg
You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
Mallory Ortberg
I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
Mallory Ortberg
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
Mallory Ortberg
Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
Mallory Ortberg
Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
Mallory Ortberg
Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Mallory Ortberg
Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
Mallory Ortberg
It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
Mallory Ortberg
Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg