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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
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Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
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Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
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If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
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If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, Please don't touch me should get them to stop.
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Mallory Ortberg
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As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
Mallory Ortberg