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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
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As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
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It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
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You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
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Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
Mallory Ortberg
We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.
Mallory Ortberg
If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg
It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Mallory Ortberg