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He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.

Louise Rennison

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Louise Rennison
Age: 64 †
Born: 1951
Born: November 11
Died: 2016
Died: February 29
Author
Comedian
Journalist
Writer
Assault
Hair
Came
Blower
Ruffled
Technically

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I put my arm around her and said, Jas, I have found that when you are troubled, it is often better to think of others rather than yourself. I think you would feel much better if you got me some milky coffee and jammy dodgers and I told you all about me.
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At that point Ms Fox came in and said, Hello, carry on as if I am not here. Then she lay down on the floor.
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P.P.S. I am giving you telepathic hugs. P.P.P.S. But not in a telepathically lezzie way.
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Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
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Maybe he overreacted a bit. - A bit? That's like Hitler saying, 'Oooh, I just meant to go for a little walk, but then I accidentally invaded Poland.
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Watching TV mum said, Do you miss your dad? And I said, Who?
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There he is, tall, tanned, Italian, sophisticated. So what do you do? I said, Er, leap on him and snog him within an inch of his life? Taking care not to strangle myself on his false beard, or disturb his banana.
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Dad has brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning! I said, 'Vati, why are you waking me up in the middle of the night? Are you on fire?
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How many times do we all have to do this? Get up, go to school, again? Before everyone admits it's a crap idea?
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When uncle Eddie does his impression of 'Like a Virgin' it's like Madonna is coming out of his body!' Christ what an image.
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As I have often said, she has two styles of acting: with or without the beard.
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He had everything a dream boy should have. Back, front, sides, Everything. A head.
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...Then it said on the news, And tonight the Prime Minister has just got to Number Ten. I looked down at Jas and said, Ooer. Meaning he'd got to number ten on the snogging scale. And then we both laughed like loons. Vati just looked at us like we were mad.
Louise Rennison
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How do you make yourself not like someone?
Louise Rennison
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I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.
Louise Rennison
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This is the first day of the rest of my life. So why is my hair sticking up like a cockerel?
Louise Rennison
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I will not have him in my brainthere is no room for anyone else in the cakeshop of agony. it's crowded enough in there already.
Louise Rennison
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What is that song they are singing Is it an old Yorkshire ditty you know like that 'On Ilkley Moor Bar T'at' Ruby said Nah it's a football song. It goes 'We hate Chelsea we hate Chelsea we are the Chelsea haters.
Louise Rennison
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The tannoy is crackling but I can only hear heavy breathing and snuffling. ... Uh-oh, the tannoy is crackling again. Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen, I momentarily lost hold of my pie.
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And that's when it fell off in my hand
Louise Rennison