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I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'

Louis C. K.

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Louis C. K.
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: September 12
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Dancer
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Showrunner
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Tecamac Municipality
Louis Székely
Louis CK
Louis Szekely
Thinking
Getting
Times
Anything
Need
Right
Needs
Even
Wipe
Think
Ass

More quotes by Louis C. K.

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I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.
Louis C. K.
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If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation.
Louis C. K.
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I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.
Louis C. K.
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When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.
Louis C. K.
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Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?
Louis C. K.
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Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.
Louis C. K.
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Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
Louis C. K.
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Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.
Louis C. K.
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I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.
Louis C. K.
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The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
Louis C. K.
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I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.
Louis C. K.
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If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
Louis C. K.
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It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
Louis C. K.
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There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.
Louis C. K.
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Rob McElhenney who runs 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.' That show absolutely kills me and I am stunned by the consistency of greatness it has maintained over what is now a record breaking amount of seasons ... How do you do that for so many years? My 14-year-old daughter and I watch it together and we both laugh crazy hard.
Louis C. K.
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Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, Those Chinese people, they can fly! You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!
Louis C. K.
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I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.
Louis C. K.
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I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.
Louis C. K.
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I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.
Louis C. K.
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I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.
Louis C. K.