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I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... Sir, could you please stop?
Louis C. K.
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Louis C. K.
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: September 12
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Dancer
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Showrunner
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Tecamac Municipality
Louis Székely
Louis CK
Louis Szekely
Funny
Phone
Thought
Complaining
Much
Phones
Pathetically
Please
Jerking
Room
Rang
Rooms
Dallas
Comedy
Sadly
Stop
Hotel
More quotes by Louis C. K.
You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.
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Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.
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You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.
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I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. Oh, she knows... You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
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What we've done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It's not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can't even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.
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When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
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The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
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I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.
Louis C. K.
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
Louis C. K.
You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.
Louis C. K.
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.
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I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
Louis C. K.
The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.
Louis C. K.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
Louis C. K.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
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You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem.
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It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
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Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.
Louis C. K.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
Louis C. K.
I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.
Louis C. K.
