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Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
Louis C. K.
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Louis C. K.
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: September 12
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Dancer
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Showrunner
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Tecamac Municipality
Louis Székely
Louis CK
Louis Szekely
Dead
Almost
True
Ever
People
More quotes by Louis C. K.
I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'
Louis C. K.
Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
Louis C. K.
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, Those Chinese people, they can fly! You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!
Louis C. K.
...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.
Louis C. K.
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. Get off of me. But I love you. I don't know you, kid.
Louis C. K.
Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?
Louis C. K.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
Louis C. K.
Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.
Louis C. K.
I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.
Louis C. K.
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
Louis C. K.
Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?
Louis C. K.
If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.
Louis C. K.
You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.
Louis C. K.
I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.
Louis C. K.
I was raised by a hard-working single mother, so my first role model was a woman. My only caretaker was a woman, and I have three sisters, so my community was girls. I have two girls, and my dog is a girl. My dead dog was a girl. I don't know. I guess I've always keyed in on that perspective.
Louis C. K.
When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.
Louis C. K.
I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.
Louis C. K.
You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.'
Louis C. K.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
Louis C. K.
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?
Louis C. K.
