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When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Louis C. K.

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Louis C. K.
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: September 12
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Dancer
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Showrunner
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Tecamac Municipality
Louis Székely
Louis CK
Louis Szekely
Bacon
Mouth
Mouths
President
Doesn
Matter

More quotes by Louis C. K.

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The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.
Louis C. K.
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Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
Louis C. K.
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I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
Louis C. K.
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My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode in terms of narrative. I like the audience not being sure what they're getting. I think it's more fun to watch something when you're discovering it as you go along.
Louis C. K.
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I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.
Louis C. K.
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A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
Louis C. K.
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Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.
Louis C. K.
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To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
Louis C. K.
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I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... Sir, could you please stop?
Louis C. K.
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When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
Louis C. K.
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The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
Louis C. K.
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I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.
Louis C. K.
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A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.
Louis C. K.
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If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.
Louis C. K.
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Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
Louis C. K.
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If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you
Louis C. K.
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I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'
Louis C. K.
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I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. Oh, she knows... You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
Louis C. K.
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You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.
Louis C. K.
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When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
Louis C. K.