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We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.

LIZ

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LIZ
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I was inspired by a question that kept repeating itself in my mind: Could I really change my life? I'd spent so many days, weeks, months, and years thinking about doing things with my life, and now I wanted to know, if I committed to a goal and woke up every single day working hard at it, could I change my life?
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Now I'm heading home for a nooner, which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.
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If you're ordering me an edible arrangement to say thanks, I'd prefer a meat one.
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Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?
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I got into songwriting because I'm not very good at communicating sometimes, just my true words, so music was always my way of expressing myself and being able to put things into lyrics that I couldn't say necessarily in my everyday life.
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Whatever the tiny bubbles sitting beautifully on the surface of the absolutely delicious-looking skin around his forehead and neck were, they were doing a lot for his overall appearance...and for my heart rate.
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After all, isn't that what really draws the line between childhood and adulthood, knowing that you are solely responsible for yourself? If so, then my childhood ended at fifteen.
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Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
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I don't need anyone. Because I can do every single thing that a person in a relationship can. Everything. Even zip up my own dress. You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Such as monologues.
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I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
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I don't like writing in front of a lot of people, it has to be an intimate experience with people I trust.
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God, three weddings in one day, I'm going to be in Spanx for 12 hours. My elastic line is gonna get infected again.
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My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.
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You can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless.
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I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?
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I only work with a couple of co-writers who I'm really close with, so they always know what's going on in my life and we talk about things openly, they know every song is true to something that I'm either going through or have gone through before.
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My heart's pounding like I'm watching Oprah's farewell season.
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You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says: Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up, there's nothing you can do.
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It's never fun to break someone's heart, that's so sad.
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Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today? This moi.
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