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Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Lewis Grizzard

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Lewis Grizzard
Age: 47 †
Born: 1946
Born: October 20
Died: 1994
Died: March 20
Journalist
Writer
Fort Benning
Georgia
Grows
Doesn
Money
Orchard
Else
Trees
Would
Grow
Tree
Somebody

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If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
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I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
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If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.
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Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
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They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
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There's no such thing as being too Southern.
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The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
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The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
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I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
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Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
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Spring time is the land awakening.
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Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.
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In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.
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If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.
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Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.
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When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
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Let's all start walking more and driving less.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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