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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard

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Lewis Grizzard
Age: 47 †
Born: 1946
Born: October 20
Died: 1994
Died: March 20
Journalist
Writer
Fort Benning
Georgia
Like
Getting
Divorced
Funny
Wedding
Woman
Divorce
House
Clever
Give
Married
Find
Marriage
Giving
Humor
Hilarious
Going
Instead
Valentine

More quotes by Lewis Grizzard

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The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
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It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
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When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
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They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
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If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.
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If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
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If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
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Spring time is the land awakening.
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Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.
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The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
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Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
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Let's all start walking more and driving less.
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There's no such thing as being too Southern.
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I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
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Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
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In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.
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