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On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
Planes
Magazines
Page
Landed
Pages
Diabetes
Read
Article
Every
Magazine
Time
Plane
Articles

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Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
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What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.
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Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
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If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
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Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
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You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.
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I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.
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It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.
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What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'
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What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
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I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.
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North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
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Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.
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That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
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When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
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Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.
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I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, You want to go to this party and do some networking?
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Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
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There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
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I never write anything down. I write onstage.
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