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Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes. Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person. Well, you look like a person. No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
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Havens

More quotes by Lewis Black

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Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
Lewis Black
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A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.
Lewis Black
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Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
Lewis Black
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This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.
Lewis Black
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Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.
Lewis Black
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See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.
Lewis Black
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It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!
Lewis Black
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I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
Lewis Black
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What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
Lewis Black
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You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.
Lewis Black
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There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
Lewis Black
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My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
Lewis Black
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I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
Lewis Black
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One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
Lewis Black
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I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
Lewis Black
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If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Lewis Black
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It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
Lewis Black
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On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
Lewis Black
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When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.
Lewis Black
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A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!
Lewis Black