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Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes. Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person. Well, you look like a person. No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
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Haven

More quotes by Lewis Black

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It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
Lewis Black
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As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
Lewis Black
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This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.
Lewis Black
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I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.
Lewis Black
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My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
Lewis Black
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Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
Lewis Black
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Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.
Lewis Black
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It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.
Lewis Black
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Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.
Lewis Black
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I'm not a big birthday guy I never have been.
Lewis Black
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I never write anything down. I write onstage.
Lewis Black
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Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
Lewis Black
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The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
Lewis Black
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It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!
Lewis Black
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One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
Lewis Black
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I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.
Lewis Black
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Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
Lewis Black
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My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
Lewis Black
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If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Lewis Black
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There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
Lewis Black