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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
Lewis Black
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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
Humor
Four
Read
Peace
Times
Funny
Unreadable
War
Bored
Wanted
Pages
More quotes by Lewis Black
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
Lewis Black
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
Lewis Black
Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.
Lewis Black
The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.
Lewis Black
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black
This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.
Lewis Black
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
Lewis Black
The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling The British are coming! The British are coming!
Lewis Black
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
Lewis Black
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.
Lewis Black
When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.
Lewis Black
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
Lewis Black
I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.
Lewis Black
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
Lewis Black
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
Lewis Black
How our government works... it doesn't.
Lewis Black
Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Lewis Black
My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes
Lewis Black
sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers
Lewis Black
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
Lewis Black
