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I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
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Chaz
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Transsexuals
Pretty
Bono
Sure
Assholes
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Keith
Kids
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More quotes by Lewis Black

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Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Lewis Black
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Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
Lewis Black
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There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
Lewis Black
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I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.
Lewis Black
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What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
Lewis Black
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I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.
Lewis Black
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If you want to get an audience quiet, just say abortion and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
Lewis Black
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Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes. Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person. Well, you look like a person. No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!
Lewis Black
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We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
Lewis Black
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Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
Lewis Black
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Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'
Lewis Black
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I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
Lewis Black
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Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again.
Lewis Black
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We have fossils... We win!
Lewis Black
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I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
Lewis Black
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I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
Lewis Black
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I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn.
Lewis Black
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Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
Lewis Black
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What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
Lewis Black
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It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.
Lewis Black