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The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
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More quotes by Lewis Black

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There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
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I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
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Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
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I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.
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I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.
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No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
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Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
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I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
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If you want to get an audience quiet, just say abortion and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
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Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
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I do the same gig. I might change it a little I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.
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I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
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I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
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I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
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All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
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Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.
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Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
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You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
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The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
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When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.
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