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This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
Bigs
Scratching
Stories
Scars
Much
Chicken
Really
Scar
Life
Chickens
Majors
Major
Story
Pox

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I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.
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No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
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There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
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I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.
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Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!
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I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
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I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.
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Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
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I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
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In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.
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I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
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I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
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I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.
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The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
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Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
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Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.
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Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.
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We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.
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I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
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When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
Lewis Black