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I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Lewis Black

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Lewis Black
Age: 76
Born: 1948
Born: August 30
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Playwright
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Writer
Silver Spring
Maryland
Lewis Niles Black
Cups
Awake
Coffee
Illusion
Gives
Might
Giving
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More quotes by Lewis Black

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It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!
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I never write anything down. I write onstage.
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There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
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Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
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My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes
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I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.
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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
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Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
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Self-love is a big part of golf.
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I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.
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Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
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What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
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Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
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I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.
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When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.
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If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.
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What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.
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When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
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If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
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My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
Lewis Black