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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Till
Friend
Teacher
Lost
Tamer
School
Nerve
Used
Lion
Lions
Nerves

More quotes by Les Dawson

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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
Les Dawson
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Les Dawson
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
Les Dawson
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
Les Dawson
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
Les Dawson
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
Les Dawson
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
Les Dawson
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
Les Dawson