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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Lions
Nerves
Till
Friend
Teacher
Lost
Tamer
School
Nerve
Used
Lion

More quotes by Les Dawson

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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
Les Dawson
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
Les Dawson
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
Les Dawson
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
Les Dawson
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
Les Dawson
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Les Dawson
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Les Dawson
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
Les Dawson
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
Les Dawson
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
Les Dawson
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Les Dawson
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
Les Dawson
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
Les Dawson
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
Les Dawson
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson