Quote

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Saying
Went
Wife
Audience
Appearance
Making
Ugly
Film
Horror
Thought
Please
Take
Personal

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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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