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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Making
Ugly
Film
Horror
Thought
Please
Take
Personal
Saying
Went
Wife
Audience
Appearance

More quotes by Les Dawson

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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Les Dawson
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
Les Dawson
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
Les Dawson
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
Les Dawson
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
Les Dawson
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
Les Dawson
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
Les Dawson
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
Les Dawson
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
Les Dawson
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
Les Dawson
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
Les Dawson
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
Les Dawson
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Les Dawson
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
Les Dawson
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
Les Dawson
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
Les Dawson
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
Les Dawson
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Les Dawson