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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Audience
Appearance
Making
Ugly
Film
Horror
Thought
Please
Take
Personal
Saying
Went
Wife

More quotes by Les Dawson

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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
Les Dawson
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
Les Dawson
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
Les Dawson
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
Les Dawson
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
Les Dawson
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
Les Dawson
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
Les Dawson
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
Les Dawson