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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Like
Loopholes
Certificates
Kept
Birth
Saying
Looking
Mother
Didn
Certificate

More quotes by Les Dawson

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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Les Dawson
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
Les Dawson
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
Les Dawson
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
Les Dawson
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Les Dawson