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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Lasts
Pills
Last
Sleeping
Doctor
Doctors
Week
Went
Wife
Sleep
Woke

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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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