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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Went
Wife
Woke
Sleep
Pills
Lasts
Sleeping
Last
Doctor
Doctors
Week

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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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