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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Last
Sleeping
Doctor
Doctors
Week
Went
Wife
Sleep
Woke
Lasts
Pills

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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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