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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Went
Wife
Sleep
Woke
Lasts
Pills
Last
Sleeping
Doctor
Doctors
Week

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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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