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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Hissing
Asthma
Discovered
Thank
Wife
Thought

More quotes by Les Dawson

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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
Les Dawson
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Les Dawson
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
Les Dawson
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
Les Dawson
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
Les Dawson
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
Les Dawson
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
Les Dawson
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
Les Dawson