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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Asthma
Discovered
Thank
Wife
Thought
Hissing

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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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