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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Asthma
Discovered
Thank
Wife
Thought
Hissing

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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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