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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Discovered
Thank
Wife
Thought
Hissing
Asthma

More quotes by Les Dawson

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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
Les Dawson