Quote

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Law
Tell
Mother
Always
Traps
Mice
Throw
Stay
Coming

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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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