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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
Les Dawson
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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Dead
Wife
Mother
Good
Grave
Buried
Graves
Sea
Dance
More quotes by Les Dawson
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
Les Dawson
Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Les Dawson
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
Les Dawson
Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
Les Dawson
I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
Les Dawson
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
Les Dawson
