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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
Les Dawson
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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Accident
Oil
Fell
Accidents
Hot
Rivet
Law
Rigs
Mother
Drawers
Work
Dropped
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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