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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Fell
Accidents
Hot
Rivet
Law
Rigs
Mother
Drawers
Work
Dropped
Accident
Oil

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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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Slumps don't bother me.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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