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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Cancelled
Funeral
News
Tomorrow
Law
Mother

More quotes by Les Dawson

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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
Les Dawson
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
Les Dawson
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
Les Dawson
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
Les Dawson
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
Les Dawson
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
Les Dawson