Quote

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Faces
Rum
Woman
Lump
Like
Lumps
Northern
Shields
Red
South
Face
Unromantic

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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
Les Dawson