Quote

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Red
South
Face
Unromantic
Faces
Rum
Woman
Lump
Like
Lumps
Northern
Shields

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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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Slumps don't bother me.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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