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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
Les Dawson
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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Hold
Knee
Happiness
Whisper
Banjo
Mother
Knees
Banjos
Used
Beer
Lullaby
Mind
Angel
Mummy
Always
Sing
Bundle
Musical
Fetch
Certainly
Bundles
More quotes by Les Dawson
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
Les Dawson
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
Les Dawson
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
Les Dawson
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
Les Dawson