Quote

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Law
Attendants
Moving
Madame
Keep
Horrors
Mother
Chamber
Stock
Horror
Took
Taking

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Slumps don't bother me.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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