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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Taking
Law
Attendants
Moving
Madame
Keep
Horrors
Mother
Chamber
Stock
Horror
Took

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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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