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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Horror
Took
Taking
Law
Attendants
Moving
Madame
Keep
Horrors
Mother
Chamber
Stock

More quotes by Les Dawson

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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
Les Dawson
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Les Dawson
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
Les Dawson
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
Les Dawson
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
Les Dawson
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Everyone has a family tree the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
Les Dawson
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
Les Dawson
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Les Dawson
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Slumps don't bother me.
Les Dawson
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
Les Dawson
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.
Les Dawson
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
Les Dawson
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
Les Dawson
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
Les Dawson
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
Les Dawson
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
Les Dawson
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
Les Dawson
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
Les Dawson