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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson

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Les Dawson
Age: 62 †
Born: 1931
Born: February 2
Died: 1993
Died: June 10
Actor
Comedian
Game Show Host
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Leslie Dawson
Horror
Took
Taking
Law
Attendants
Moving
Madame
Keep
Horrors
Mother
Chamber
Stock

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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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